Fantasy Football

When I mention fantasy football, which is often, a lot of people say they don't really understand it. They go on to show their ignorance with blithering questions about points, flex positions, the draft, and a lot of other stuff a real fantasy manager has never heard of. Yes, a working knowledge of those subjects will lead to wins, but those can actually hinder your efforts toward fantasy football's real goal, which is to trash talk like a schoolyard bully (you know, "your mama's so fat she had to get baptised at Seaworld" type stuff). In fact, fantasy football is actually the appropriate forum to take it up a notch and use outright slander and libel.

As an example, at the beginning of every season I post a message entitled "Official Press Release" in which I claim my team, The Hawaii Cocksparrers, is the undisputed favorite, then proceed to question the level of sobriety and sexual orientation of every other manager in the league in turn. Then there are 16 or 17 weeks (WEEKS!) of play in which you have to continue. It is a grueling endeavor, and I'm sure that when Lance Armstrong said running a marathon was the hardest thing he ever did, it's only because he has never played fantasy football. Now, in fantasy football, just like life in general, it's best to pick one weak opponent at which to direct the majority of harassment, rather than try to spread it around the whole league. I, for example, chose the father of one of my friend's, a middle aged man in Tennessee who I have never met. Of course, it's easy since he doesn't know a running back from his back flab, he spends most of his time hungover in a gutter after his gay orgies, and his mama's so fat her favorite food is seconds.

Earlier I mentioned that wins can impede your ability to trash talk. I would know, I'm a winner. This year, as you can imagine, I finished first. For the previous three consecutive years the Hawaii Cocksparrers finished third, and we would have placed higher if it weren't for some poor referee calls and sloppy field conditions. But once I finished last, or maybe slightly below that. That year may have in fact been my most successful season of smack talk. Anytime I would win, and I beat my rival twice for my only two wins (I won't say his name here, but by changing only one letter it conveniently becomes Old Man Shitley), it was a huge disgrace for the losing team (Tennessee Tighty Whities, in this case). No matter what he accomplished for the rest of the year, I could always remind him that he lost to the worst team in the league- The Hawaii Cocksparrers.

Which reminds me of one more point. Your team name is very important. I have been banned from espn.com for using the name Cocksparrers. I was able to briefly trick the system by changing to the o to a zero, becoming C0CKSPARRERS. But that's when I got banned. Could I have picked another name? I guess I could have, but my team would have lost all its mana, its mojo, its swagger. I cite the TN Tighty Whities as a perfect example. That's one you can easily repeat in any company- work, school, church- and therefore it's highly inappropriate. Plus Hawaii Cocksparrers is too long to fit on the scoreboard, so it's abbreviated Hawaii Cocks... which I can only imagine brings titillating laughter to the rest of the league, even if all those homos won't directly admit it.

In conclusion, fantasy football is about superior wit and verbal abuse right to the edge of misdemeanor, which is why I am current league champion. That's basically all there is to know. Except for one other thing. Yo mama's so ugly Tiger Woods wouldn't date her!